Saturday, February 1, 2014

My Body and Me, Part II

For part I, click here.

Me: Know what would be great right now?
My body: A nap?
Me: That burrito from that one place!
My body: You mean, like, after a nap?
Me: We could get in the car and go to the place right now!
My body: That doesn't in any way resemble a nap.
Me: Maybe we'll get beans and rice to go with it...
My body: But we don't even like that burrito.
Me: Of course we do! It's spicy and cheesy and full of delicious chicken.
My body: The intestines disagree with you. Remember what happened last time? And the time before that and the time before that? Pretty much every time, really.
Me: Nope. No idea what you're talking about.
My body: Yes you do! I can see the memory over there, behind the algebra you haven't used since high school! You're just ignoring it!
Me: What algebra? I don't see anything.
My body: Preemptive Cramp Attack!
Me: Ow! Dammit! Okay! I’ll stop thinking about it!

The Day After Surgery
Me: How you doing in there?
My body: I feel like John Hurt after the dining room scene in Alien.
Me: Not that bad, surely?
My body: I feel like Frodo getting speared by that cave troll in Moria.
Me: I’m sorry you had to go through that.
My body: You know how sometimes you use the skillet to flatten chicken breasts because you're too cheap to buy a meat mallet?
Me: Cheap is a strong word, but yes?
My body: I feel like someone did that to my large intestines.
Me: So I guess going for a run is out of the question, then?
My body: Hahahahaha!!!
Me: I’ll just sit here and read a magazine, shall I?
My body: Best read it slowly.
Me: Why’s that?
My body: I won’t be getting up to get you more.

Counting Calories
My body: I'm hungry.
Me: You just ate.
My body: I'm hungry.
Me: The math says you can't be hungry.
My body: What is this math thing you speak of?
Me: Using our body weight-
My body: 180 pounds!
Me: Which is, yes, 180 pounds, and our age, I've calculated our daily calorie needs at about 1600 calories. Divided between all our meals and snacks...
My body: You told me before that you couldn't remember any algebra!
Me: Yes, but then SOMEONE decided to slack off on their exercise after a really rather minor surgery. You wouldn't know who that was, would you?
My body: Okay, you're talking, but all I hear is blah blah blah.
Me: No food for you.
My body: But I'm hungry!
Me: No you're not.
My body: I am!
Me: No you're not.
My body: I shall sing you the song of my people! *rumble rumble rumble*
Me: OMG, really? Eat this apple then but cut that out!
My body: *snarf* So good. *chomp*

One Month After Surgery
Me: Are we ready to get on this treadmill and be virtuous?
My body: Nope. Can't.
Me: And why not?
My body: Well, it's simple, isn't it? We just had that surgery.
Me: That was a month ago.
My body: And we're still in pain.
Me: What pain? We’re not in pain!
My body: We mustn't push ourselves.
Me: *starts the treadmill*
My body: Any minute now…
Me: WTF? We’re still in pain! Why didn’t you tell me?
My body: Now she gets it.

Sirius Thoughts
Me: Why didn't Sirius just write to Dumbledore after he escaped from Azkaban? Like "Dear Dumbledore, Pettigrew's at Hogwarts. Let me tell you all about it now in this letter, instead of letting him run free all year while I wander the countryside behaving recklessly and looking all the more guilty..."
My body: You're joking, right?
Me: Look, I know what you're going to say: "How would he get the letter to Dumbledore? " right? An escaped convict can't just hire an owl at the post office. But I've already thought that through. See-
My body: That's not what I meant!
Me: What then? Did I miss something?
My body: How about the fact that it's the middle of the night?
Me: Oh, that! Yes, I noticed! Isn't it great? So easy to think when it's quiet like this!
My body: Do you not see me laying here trying to sleep?
Me: This is both urgent and important. I don't expect you to understand.

Two Months After Surgery
Me: We should go running.
My body: Do tell?
Me: It’s been two months. Let’s go.
My body: I'ma ask you a very important question.
Me: Shoot.
My body: Do you actually want to go running?
Me: Oh, hell, no.
My body: That’s great! I don’t want to go running either!
Me: We’re still going.
My body: Can’t we talk about this?
Me: You’re just hoping if we talk about it long enough we won’t actually go.
My body: I would never behave that way!
Me: Great! We can talk about it while we’re running.
My body: Preemptive Cramp Attack!
Me: Dammit!

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