Saturday, April 27, 2013

My Body and Me

On Mornings
Me: I have to get up now. I have things to do today.
My body: Sooo sleepy....
Me: What? No! Don't close your eyes! Don't -
My body: *honk shu*
Me: You cannot be... Seriously? I'm awake over here!
My body: *rolls over*
Me: Hello? I'm still here! Let's move!
My body: *still asleep*

Peaceful Negotiations
Me: OMG! Look at these cute clothes! I need to lose weight so I can wear them!
My body: But I like being 180 pounds!
Me: What if we do yoga everyday?
My body: That's fine, but the weight stays.
Me: What if we run three times a week?
My body: 180 pounds! Forever!
Me: What if we diet?
My body: Bitch, I will cut you.

At the End of a Hard Day
Me: Mentally exhausted. Let's just go to sleep.
My body: I'm so awake right now.
Me: Can we just lay in bed and try to sleep?
My body: Couch time!
Me: Are you even listening to me?
My body: What's on TV tonight?
Me: Fine, but if you quiz me on this later, we will fail.
My body: Ooh! He’s a pretty actor! Quick! What else have we seen him in?
Me: What did I just say?
My body: Doesn’t he look like Matt, just a little?
Me: I’m not actually watching this, remember?

On Healthy Things
My body: Check out the frosting on that donut... Oh, yeah! Lookin' good!
Me: Excuse me?!
My body: What? I wasn't doing anything.
Me: You were looking at that donut!
My body: Baby, I would never do that to you!
Me: We're supposed to be eating healthy!
My body: We do! I like healthy things!
Me: Prove it! Eat this lettuce!
My body: ...
Me: FFS!!!

On Bedtime Routines
Me: Nice hot cup of tea...
My body: Oh, thank you! That's so nice of you!
Me: How about a hot bath?
My body: That would be wonderful.
Me: Then some nice relaxing bedtime yoga?
My body: Sounds fantastic!
Me: Then we'll drift off to sleep for our early day tomorrow.
My body: Wh-what? Early? Who's getting up early?
Me: We are.
My body: Hell no.
Me: I've calculated it out. We'll be able to get a full 8 hours in.
My body: I can't go to sleep! I have plans!
Me: Please, enlighten me.
My body: ...
Me: Are you kidding me?
My body: I can lay here awake all night!

On Teamwork
Me: Okay, so first I'll make a grocery list and then start dinner. Or I'll make the grocery list while dinner is cooking. Maybe first I put on my pajamas and have some tea. Or maybe I... Hang on... How the hell did I get home?
My body: No sweat. I got this.
Me: You drove all the way home without my help?
My body: You were busy!
Me: That's not acceptable behavior!
My body: What's the big deal? I do stuff like this all the time. It's fine!
Me: Do you even know what a red light is? What did you do at the red lights?
My body: Of course I know what to do! I... wait... honestly, I don't remember if there were any red lights...
Me: !!!

Hunger Games
My body: *Growl!*
Me: Woah, there, tiger! What was that all about?
My body: I might be hungry.
Me: Might be?
My body: Yeah.
Me: You don’t know for sure?
My body: *Growl!*
Me: I’m gonna take that as a “I’m hungry.”
My body: Okay.
Me: What do we want?
My body: Don’t know.
Me: Want an apple?
My body: Meh.
Me: Boiled egg?
My body: *yawn*
Me: Make you a salad?
My body: Don’t want salad.
Me: What do you want?
My body: I really don’t know. Name off some more stuff.
Me: Chicken? Beef? Bacon? Celery? Stir Fry? Almonds?
My body: *unresponsive*
Me: If you’re waiting for me to suggest pizza you’re going to be waiting a long time.
My body: I’ll take the apple then.
Me: Thought as much.

On Yoga
Me: I can’t remember… did I pay that vet bill? How long ago was that? Should I have got a bill by now?
My body: Excuse me?
Me: That’s right. I put it on the credit card. Did I pay it off right away or do I still need to?
My body: Do you mind? I’m trying to do yoga here!
Me: Oh, sure. Don’t mind me. You keep doing what you’re doing.
My body: I really need you to be quiet.
Me: Well, just relax over there for a bit and I’ll be done in a minute.
My body: This IS how I relax.
Me: Huh? Oh! Yoga! Right. Sorry. I’ll be quiet.
My body: Really?
Me: Yeah. For real.
My body: *balanced*  *poised*
Me: I’m pretty sure I paid that off.
My body: *stumbles* If you keep talking, I WILL fall down and it WILL be your fault.
Me: Sorry! Sorry. What can I do to help? Give me a job.
My body: I guess you could focus on the breathing while I do all the poses.
Me: Consider it done!
Me: *breathing in*
Me: *breathing out*
Me: *breathing in*
Me: *breathing…*        I think I’ll wear the blue shirt tomorrow. I could wear the long blue and green beaded necklace with it. Or my turquoise butterfly. Maybe the chunky brown necklace Grandma Kay gave me for Christmas last year… Would it go with that shirt? Hmm. Maybe I should wear the dark green shirt inste-
My body: BREATHE!!!
Me: Breathing! Breathing! Sorry! I’m sorry. I’m focused now.
My body: Just stop helping me.

Do or Do Not
Me: Got my running shoes and my running pants and my running app... Let's go running!
My body: buh.
Me: We're gonna do three 12-minute miles.
My body: I totally can't do that.
Me: Of course you can! You just did it on Monday!
My body: Absolutely INCAPABLE of doing that.
Me: You did it on Friday too, remember? We felt great!
My body: I weigh 800 pounds! Whales don't run! Return me to the sea!
Me: Shut up and run or so help me...
My body: It is physically not possible! No human could do this!!!
Me: Benjamin literally runs twice as fast as I’m asking you to!
My body: He’s a space alien. You’ve seen how he eats.
Me: No food until you do this.
My body: We can’t pick up enough speed! We’ve got no dilithium crystals!
Me: That’s it. I’m done. Even my body is a nerd.

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