Instant Messenger

In an age long past, called 2006 by some, our heroes were trapped in tedious, low-wage desk jobs while they worked their way through grad school. They had only the tentative connections of Instant Messenger to save them from the soul crushing boredom of each repetitive day. These are their stories.  

Dramatis Personae:

Tori, a legal aide

Sarah, a real estate secretary

and Ryan, a writing tutor

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Applecide 3/16/06

Tori: I didn't have time to slice my apple this morning, so I brought a knife. But now I'm cutting it at my desk and it is JUICY! It's like I'm cutting a lemon here! I'm getting spit on!

Sarah: haha

Tori: I mean it! It's all over me, the desk, the keyboard, and four strategically placed (albeit useless) napkins!

Sarah: The horror!

Tori: I'm sure I can hide the body, but I'll never be able to clean up THE JUICE! (dun dun dun!)

Sarah: No! Not THE JUICE!

Tori: CSI guys will be all up in here with black lights and say, "Just as I thought! It must have been Applecide!"

Sarah: (facepalm)

Tori: And in the interrogation room, under the harsh glaring lights, "But why did you do it? What did that apple ever do to you?" ...

Tori: "I couldn't stop myself! They're just so good with peanut butter!"

Tori: And the cop will turn away in disgust...

Sarah: "You make me sick"

Sarah: It's genius

Tori: Yeah, yeah. And I'll be in one of those orange jumpsuits, with manacles...

Tori: Ooh! And a Hannibal Lector muzzle mask!

Sarah: I can see it now.

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Our Monastic Plans 4/25/06

Tori: Saving the world from technological ignorance, one question at a time.

Ryan: Like "How do I make a Header on my paper?"

Ryan: Probably the 7th most common question.

Tori: The few, the proud, the people who know stuff. That's us.

Ryan: No kidding.

Ryan: Including the answer to the MOST common question ever.

Ryan: "Can I use your stapler?"

Ryan: NO PEASANT GET AWAY FROM MY STAPLES

Tori: I always wondered. It's a writing center. The stapler is facing them. Who do they think it's really for?

Ryan: It's a trap!

Ryan: Actually, I will admit to hiding the staplers once because I got sick of people asking to use them.

Ryan: Until I finally got sick of saying our staplers were missing.

Tori: We just have to get used to dealing with stupid people. I can't think of a job where they're not involved.

Ryan: How much does being a hermit pay these days?

Tori: Not enough to fund the gaming.

Tori: What we need to do is start a monastery where people would pay lots of money to try to reach Zen through gaming.

Ryan: It would be like scientology, only we'd be honest about the bullshit.

Tori: People who would pay money for that purpose are stupid, and we would have to deal with them, but we could "deal with them" in some other room.

Ryan: With the door closed.

Ryan: And the "No Whipping" sign off.

Tori: Yeah.

Tori: I've got it: charge people money to achieve Zen. They achieve Zen by being chained to a wall and only having bread and water for three days...

Tori: While they're around, we pretend that we live this way also. We dress in robes and speak pious speeches.

Ryan: If we charge money, it HAS to be good!

Tori: But while they're chained up or when we have no current clients, we play games in solitude all day.

Tori: We'll say we must lock ourselves in the dungeon to whip ourselves pure, then feed them some line about how work purifies the soul and send them out to do the heavy gardening.

Tori: That way we get fresh veggies *and* all their money.

Ryan: Two great tastes that tastes great together!

Tori: Now, where can we find an empty, gently used monastery on the cheap?

Ryan: We could convert (NAME WITHHELD) into one. A little fire to cleanse the stupidity away and no one will be the wiser.

Tori: Yes, because then we could chain them up on one end of the first floor, while we play games on the other end of the third floor.

Ryan: And you don't want to know what'll happen on the first floor.

Ryan: It will be a dirty, sinful place.

Tori: Only then can Zen be achieved.

Ryan: Brilliant!

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Campaign Promises 5/26/06

Tori: So where are we eating dinner?

Sarah: Grand China

Tori: Ooh. Nice.

Sarah: Yeah

Tori: (happy dance) Noodles for me! Noodles for me!

Sarah: Noodles for everyone!

Tori: Vive la Revolucion!

Sarah: (fist pump)

Tori: And the great army marches by giving the sieg heil to a flag featuring a bowl of noodles over crossed forks.

Sarah: I can see it now!

Sarah: A bowl of noodles in every house!

Sarah: Everyone has the right to noodles!

Tori: "My people! Let us usher out those who would oppress our noodlic urges and make way for the year of the noodles!"

Tori: (cheering crowds)

Sarah: Noo-dles! Noo-dles!

Tori: (throwing roses)

Sarah: (the chant rises up)

Sarah: It's brilliant

Sarah: With this plan we can conquer the world!

Tori: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but where *you* can get your noodles!"

Sarah: "My people, we will conquer Italy and China and Japan and then we will control the world's noodle supply!"

Tori: "The only thing we have to fear is lack of noodles!"