Saturday, November 15, 2014

Rejected Resignation Letters

“I know you told all of us that you’re leaving, but I need a resignation letter from you,” said Karyn. “Just a formality, that I can put in a file somewhere.”

“Okay,” I said.


My dearest library,

I'm leaving you.

It's not you, it's me. I just don't see a future for us together. We're only going to continue to grow apart. Like, 198 miles apart, if you want to get technical. The odds against long distance relationships just aren't good.

I just think it's time for both of us to see other people. Or rather for you to see other people and me to see other buildings full of books.

Listen, what we had was beautiful and special, but I think you and I both know it wasn't meant to last. A love like ours burns too bright and too brief.

I will hold your memory in my heart forever.




Dear library management,

I refuse to put up with these shenanigans even one more day.

You may look sweet on the outside, Andover Library, but I'm onto your games! Behind the giant books with the adorable napping bunny beats a heart of darkness. And just where is the tortoise, I ask you? "Late" indeed!

I see all manner of vile and evil schemes running beneath the seemingly placid surface of this place. The Friends "book sale"? Obviously a front for smuggling…something. I'm unclear on what exactly. But it's very definitely going on! And do you really expect me to believe that you aren't brainwashing the youth of Andover during these so-called "story times"?

Now, if you're thinking you can "hush me up" or make me "disappear", you're too late! I've taken steps and I'm going into hiding. Soon, everyone will know what I know!!!




Dear library management,

I've had it! That whiny patron this morning was the last straw!

What is it with the PEOPLE around here? Are you all crazy? It's getting to where I cringe every time the phone rings, wondering what fresh hell it is. There must be something in the water!

I just can't take it anymore! Cheri and her crazy questions, Tom's unrealistic expectations, the way Karyn's always silently judging me (and the way she raises one eyebrow when she looks at you – YOU KNOW THE LOOK, KARYN!). the way Benjamin is the "golden boy" and is always treated with such obvious favoritism, and how Kathy and Kristina are always talking about me behind my back... (Cathy's actually okay, but I can't handle how the patrons are always comparing me to her with her perfect hair and her Mary Poppins personality.) It's all too much!

For my health and sanity, I am resigning my position.

And good riddance to you all!



“What’s all this?” Benjamin asked later.

“My resignation letters.”

“Letters? Plural?”

“It took me a few tries to find the proper tone,” I admitted.

“So there’s a real one somewhere that you actually turned in?”

“Yes, right. Of course.” Because I didn’t turn these ones in. That would have been silly.

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