Saturday, December 28, 2013

If you give a ferret fudge...

(Disclaimer: I love Laura Numeroff's picture books. This parody is done with all the love in my heart.)

If you give a ferret fudge, he's probably going to get sick because ferrets can't eat fudge.

When your ferret gets sick, you'll have to call the vet.

When you get to the vet’s office, your ferret will get worse.

When the vet asks what happened to your ferret, you'll look like an idiot because, seriously? Fudge? What were you thinking?

While you’re looking like an idiot, your ferret will die.

When your ferret dies, the vet will call animal control to report you for cruelty to ferrets. The police will come.

When the police arrive, they will collar you like the ferret-killing criminal you are.

When you go to trial, your defense will appeal to the jury: you’re too pretty for prison! The jury will agree, so you’ll be put under house arrest instead.

When you’re stuck at home, you’ll sink into a depression and self-medicate with internet shopping. Your home will slowly fill with clothes and books you don’t need, and with ferret-themed memorabilia from Ebay.

When your case worker stops by to check on you, she won’t be able to get in the door. She’ll have to call social services.

When the social services worker sees the sorry state of your home, he’ll have to report you to the city. The city will condemn your house.

When your house is destroyed, you'll slip through the cracks of the system and end up on the streets.

When you end up on the streets, the other homeless people won’t be friendly with you. Nobody likes a ferret killer.

When you’re friendless and alone, you’ll wander aimlessly, finding yourself on the very edges of civilization.

When you forsake civilization, you’ll free yourself from the artificial trappings of society… or maybe descend into paranoia and deluded conspiracy theories. Who can tell the difference?

When you’re on the run from “the Man”, you’ll live in the wild, under trees and in caves. To survive, you’ll steal food from camp sites and hunting cabins. Maybe you’ll even find a nice little tent.

When you’ve lived in the woods long enough, the wildlife will become accustomed to you. You'll befriend squirrels and rabbits.

When the other woodland creatures are comfortable with you, you may even meet a ferret.

And when you do, chances are… 

You'll end up giving the ferret some fudge.

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