Saturday, March 2, 2013

Chicken Soup for the Twisted Soul

Dear world,

While I know you rely on me for a great many things – on account of how I am a special snowflake and there’s only ever one of me, etc. – I am currently sick. I know this interferes with some of your more interesting plans for the day; just imagine how I feel about it. I could be out having fun. Instead, I am one with this couch. I know. It’s neither right nor fair.

Anyway, world, there are a few things you can do for me in my convalescence.

First, comfort food. I would like to eat some and I would like for it to not count. I’m going to need you to wave your magic wand and make all the calories in the following foods go away just for today:
  1. Pizza
  2. Cheeseburgers
  3. French fries (the crinkle-cut kind. You can ignore the wimpy ones from fast food places.)
  4. Ice cream
  5. Peanut butter
  6. Anything containing peanut butter
  7. Pie
And when you’re done taking all those calories out, I need all those things to magically appear in my fridge. Because I don’t normally keep them around, and I’m too miserable to go out for them now.

Second: naps. I need rest to recover from whatever this is, but I got sick on a weekend. I can't waste my limited weekend time napping, so when I nod off, I need you to stop time. I’ll let you know when you can start it up again. Like, maybe there’s an app for that? If it’s too hard to stop time for everybody, you can do it just for me. Maybe I’ll find a Time Turner in my jewelry box? Maybe the Tardis will land in my basement? Or maybe this can be like Groundhogs Day and I'll just wake up tomorrow to find it's Saturday again. We can sort out the details later.

Third: laundry. It needs to be done and I don’t want to do it. I’ve prepared a few acceptable solutions to this problem. Use your best judgement.
Option A: benevolent robot servants. I always liked Rosey from the Jetsons. But remember the Three Laws of Robotics! We don't want a repeat of last time.
Option B: house elves, just for today. I’ve got some socks they can have afterward – I’m not a slave driver.
Option C: trained Tyrannosauruses. I’m… not entirely clear on the particulars for Option C. I’m sick and my head hurts. I leave it in your capable hands.

Fourth: science. Find me a freaking biological genius and beat him about the head and shoulders with inspiration until he thinks up a cure for the common cold. Make it something ridiculously easy and widely accessible, preferably something I have in my pantry so I won’t have to go to the drug store, something attractive so I can find it on Pinterest later and be pleasantly surprised. I can act surprised, I promise.

That about covers it for now. As you can see, my requests are reasonable and mostly unselfish – I imagine everyone would enjoy dinosaur butlers and zero calorie crinkle-cut fries. I’ll leave you alone to work on those. I’ll just be waiting, right here on this couch. You know where to find me.


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